amend

"i would like to amend everything i've ever said with a sigh." -ani

today is a beautiful day. the birds are singing, the sun is shining and it's over 40F.

the snow is melting and prospects are bright.

in this way, i feel happy. when i don't think, when i just feel and enjoy what i have, what is around me. going to the grocery store to buy food, and the book store to look at magazines. my life is wonderful, so good and so full. when i don't think.

smile upon your face

not swymming, more like sinking.

not wymming, more like whining.

where is everyone like me? am i the only one like me? who sees the devastation to this world? who disagrees with capitalism and war and is a feminist who wants to change the system (maybe destroy the system, as my new mag lip would suggest).

i feel so discouraged. nothing will change and people will still be selfish, self seeking and unwilling to make connections between things in their life.

between their actions and the destructive consequences.

where should i go to church? should i continue in grad school? how do i get out of this cycle of not leading a holy life? how do i stop caring about myself? how do i stop myself from being self seeking?

how i can change myself? it seems so hard and i have so little energy in the first place, never mind leftover after work.

yes, please, take me back to the start. thank God coldplay is depressed too.

bad wkd

first i offend someone in small group friday, get five hours of sleep friday night, spend all day saturday processing my feelings on the recent church fall out via the 50th anniversary celebration for my mom's church. sunday i come home after hurting my back picking up a bunch of food my mom wanted me to take back with me.

gah, my back was in incredible pain. feeling a little better today. we'll see how aerobics goes in a few minutes.

i'm wondering what will happen with small group if my comment continues to offend. i tend to say things without thinking. you may not know that about me. i'm wondering what will happen either way. although it's fun and i enjoy these people the further i get away from church the more idiosyncratic it seems.

and now that i've blown what i really wanted to be a potential friendship it seems even more pointless.

esp given my state of desiring what i can't have. wanting my temptation. to give in, to give up. to just accept who i am--how i don't seem to fit into christianity.

sigh. that's my state right now. sign.